Ask Amy: When is it our place to say something?

Recently, this is a theme that keeps coming up. When is it our place to say something?

The impulse usually comes from a good place. We love someone. We're scared for them. We can see something they can't see about themselves and it's hard to watch. Sometimes though if we're honest, the impulse also comes from our own discomfort. Their behavior is affecting us and we want it to stop. Both things can be true at the same time and it's worth knowing which one is driving you before you open your mouth.

We can use the example of a friend who is drinking a lot of alcohol and you feel that it may be becoming a problem. I think it's first best to identify what you are feeling about being around this friend when they are choosing to imbibe or from the effects thereafter. Doing this keeps any communication from getting sticky as you are clear about what your issue is with the behavior. We can't force people to do what we want them to do, what we think is best or even what is healthy. Of course, we know that. It doesn't work for us either.

Moving from a position of care and concern for them but focusing on yourself and stating only how you feel and what sacrifice you are willing to make to not subject yourself to alarming, disturbing or concerning behavior is an easy approach that doesn't place blame or accusations on your friend or family member. It's not an ultimatum. It's a boundary. A boundary is set and held when you identify what the behavior is that you find unhealthy for you, you understand clearly what the consequence is for being subjected to such behavior, you understand that a boundary is for you to enforce and not for someone else to tiptoe around. It is yours to hold and honor.

For example, if I were to say to my friend that I don't like being around them when they are drunk all the time and I would prefer to hang out sober, then it is simple in that you make the sacrifice to not hang when the friend is drinking for instance. Remembering that you are the one that has to respect this boundary.

I'm not so sure it is ever our place to tell another being not to do something or to make a change because we want them to. But it is always appropriate to share how certain behaviors affect you and what you are going to do to no longer engage with it.

Some may call it tough love but I just call it love.